Apologies, when warranted, are a sign of empathy in the workplace. However, over-apologizing (or excessively saying sorry) is a bad habit that can undermine your authority. More importantly, it hurts your self-esteem. 

Recently, there’s been a great deal of talk and controversy about women apologizing too often in the workplace. Research shows women do tend to say sorry more than men, which is partially the result of socialization. While young girls are raised to be polite, obedient, and attentive, young boys are encouraged to be bold and more confident. This social influence appears in the workplace where women perceive themselves as making more mistakes than men, and therefore, having to apologize more.

Many of the women I work with as an executive coach dislike their tendency to be over-apologetic. While they rightfully bristle at the thought of policing their language, these women recognize their ‘sorry’ habit stems from a lack of confidence. They acknowledge excessive apologizing may reflect internal doubts they hold about their capabilities. 

After years of over-apologizing, they say they can’t help it. The habit has become so ingrained the words come out automatically. Many times, it’s because they don’t know what else to say, and instead of being meaningful, ‘sorry’ is a filler.

Remember, saying you’re sorry isn’t necessarily a sign of weakness. In fact, a well-placed apology can be very powerful. What’s important is to address the deeper reasons you may be relying on apologies as a verbal crutch. With effort, you can find more precise ways to express what you truly mean and feel more confident in your communication as a result.

Similar to the apology, many women start a statement by asking for permission or minimizing their opinion. These minimizers and pre-qualifiers emit a lack of confidence, and many times, stem from feelings of shame, guilt, or defensiveness. 

Breaking this habit is hardest in uncomfortable scenarios. Resist the natural desire to defend yourself. Instead, shift from shame to gratitude.

For example, when someone calls you out for a mistake or when you’re late for a meeting, focus on gratitude. Saying “thank you for waiting, let’s begin” is a stronger way to acknowledge that your colleagues waited for you. 

Once you respond with ‘thank you,’ work to neutralize feedback. Recognize the feedback for what it is: data.  Determining whether that data is a fact or an opinion will help you further process it into something you learn from, discuss, or dismiss.  The choice is always yours.