Premeditated Resentment

I once heard it said that expectations are nothing more than premeditated resentments.

This statement really stuck with me. It prompted deeper thinking on our expectations. My brain naturally went in search of answers to several questions:

Do we unintentionally sabotage our most important relationships with expectations?
Are all expectations created equal? Are some less likely to damage our relationships than others? Could some expectations be helpful to a healthy relationship?
How do we communicate our expectations to others? Or should we?
What if we communicate our expectations and the other person agrees?

In another perspective, I‘ve also heard it expressed that disappointment is the unintended emotional byproduct of unmet expectations. The degree to which we are disappointed is likely due to whether or not these expectations are reasonable and communicated.

The difference between disappointment and resentment is time. The longer we allow disappointment to linger, the more likely it will grow into resentment. Both of these emotions, while different in intensity, exist in conflict energy. In my experience, this energy is unsustainable.

At the top of the list of reasons relationships suffer is unmet expectations. If we are honest, most of us are managing some level of disappointment we believe was caused by another person’s inability to rise to the occasion. It doesn’t matter if the relationship is intimate, professional, familial or otherwise. We either let go of our expectations or we let go of the other person. Neither is right or wrong, however, non-negotiable expectations have consequences and we must take ownership of the results of our decisions.

Are expectations even fair? I mean, really? Is it fair to create rules for how we think others should behave?

The answer is yes and no.

I think we can categorize expectations into four categories based on whether they are reasonable or unreasonable, communicated, or uncommunicated.

Every relationship is different and will tolerate a certain amount in each category.

While I’m a huge fan of managing your mind and not allowing other people’s actions, thoughts, ideas or words to mean anything they don’t need to mean, I do believe that most relationships include some form of reasonable and communicated expectations. These are generally agreed-upon rules that govern the relationship.

For example, in my marriage, I believe it is reasonable to expect my husband to provide for our family.

For us, this means contributing financially to the running of the home and demonstrating fiscal responsibility by not taking on debt. He has the same expectation of me. We have many of these as they relate to parenting, the running of our home, our livelihood, investments, and so on.

We also hold many reasonable and uncommunicated expectations of each other. They may even spill over to other family members who live in or visit our home. We’ve never really talked about these things, but they are inherent in our relationship. I realize that reasonable is a subjective term, so define it by a standard that applies to your personal relationships.

These include things like:

The first person to come across a task that needs completion should handle it. As examples, take out the garbage, empty the dishwasher, bring in the garbage cans from the road.
Come directly home from work at the end of the day or inform each other about a delay.
Assume positive intent and test assumptions before jumping to conclusions.
Lock the doors and secure the home if you are the last person to leave.

Then there are the other types of expectations that serve to undermine our relationship goals and, left unaddressed, can sabotage even the most important relationships in our life. These fall into two basic categories:

Unreasonable (or not-so-customary) and communicated.

Unreasonable (or not-so-customary) and uncommunicated.

For more on uncommunicated expectations, see the blog post titled People Manuals. In simple terms, these are the unwritten, uncommunicated expectations about how other people should behave. These are created in the vacuum of our mind and generally end in disappointment or worse. Often, we create these as a means to control our happiness – especially if we think other people are the cause of how we feel. I once threw away the last of a chocolate cake that had sat on the counter for a few days. I later learned that throwing away cake without seeking agreement from my loving husband was one of his "uncommunicated" rules. We laugh about it today, but the simplest things can end in a little disappointment.

Having expectations outside of the reasonable or customary is perfectly fine, presuming they are communicated.

For example, in my business, I have expectations for my staff and partners that include things like maintaining a level of professionalism, being responsive, adherence to company values and a commitment to results. People can agree with me or not, but they won’t be part of my business if they don’t because these are the “rules” that govern our culture.

I’m not sure there is a “correct” answer to the questions I was pondering. However, I will share my thoughts on each.

Do we unintentionally sabotage our most important relationships with expectations?

Yes! I see it every day with my clients. We experience the effects of this similar to the proverbial frog in the boiling pot. We wake up one day and can’t shake the annoyance, bitterness, resentment and anger we feel towards other people and our relationships burn out. We leave or we don’t, but things don’t get better until we clean up our thoughts that created the situation.

Are all expectations created equal? Are some less likely to damage our relationships than others? Could some expectations be helpful to a healthy relationship?

Nope. Every relationship is different and will, therefore, tolerate more or less of each type of expectation. For many, a well communicated and agreeable set of “relationship rules” (or expectations) will help you maintain healthy relationships and give you language for when they are not met. Holding others accountable to any unwritten and unreasonable set of rules is a recipe for disaster. It is just a matter of time.

How do we communicate our expectations to others? Or should we?

Simply communicating an expectation doesn’t take you off the hook. Work to ensure that what you expect is “reasonable” for your situation. Seek feedback, strive for a win-win, and stay curious about the expectations others hold of you. And, further, try to avoid ultimatums.

What if we communicate our expectations and the other person agrees?

Great! Next, make sure that you also agree on how you each want to be held accountable if one of you does not honor your agreement. How you handle this can make or break your relationship.

As always, it’s important to keep an open mind and heart. No relationship that you desire to improve is beyond repair. It just takes work.

If you are curious about how I help clients work through relationship issues, come on over and check out my INNER CIRCLE. What have you got to lose? It’s the place to be for anyone wishing to up-level their life, relationships or career.