People Manuals
Lots of things come with instruction manuals – cars, equipment, computers, software, appliances and the like. People, however, do not. But wouldn’t it be glorious if they did?
Generally speaking, if we follow the instructions of a manual, we can expect things to work like they are supposed to. Even though people don’t have manuals, we act like they do by creating expectations around how they should “work” (behave, think, act, speak, etc.). There are several reasons why this doesn’t work.
The first reason is that these manuals only exist in our minds. We store an absurd amount of ideas in our brains about how we think people should behave. This includes our spouse, our children, our friends, our boss and co-workers, the lady working checkout at our favorite store, the teenager taking our order in the drive-thru window…the list is endless. We mistakenly believe that if all of the people in our life behaved according to the rules in our manual, we would be so happy. Life would be great. Besides, our manuals are “logical” and “reasonable”. AMIRIGHT?
This is ridiculous. Even if we have shared some of our rules, we can’t control other people, not even by having very detailed manuals for them. Adults will always do what they want to do, no matter our opinion how they should behave. The more we try to control them, the more likely we invite resistance and conflict into the relationship.
Secondly, and more often than not, we don’t even share the manual. This creates an impossible set of expectations because most people can’t read your mind. Even if they did, you are assuming that they think like you, believe what you believe and even value what you value. This. Is. Not. True. No wonder we have so many damaged relationships.
So many of my clients are repeatedly taking a hit to their relationship rapport and they have no idea why. They are acting as though the important people in their life have read, understood and agreed to all conditions of the “manual” and continue to be surprised when others behave out of alignment with their expectations. When I suggest that they ditch the manual, they gasp! They wonder how people will know what to do if they don’t spell it out. Or worse, they believe that they are honoring boundaries in their relationships by creating this unspoken set of rules, when what they are really doing is trying to control or manipulate people.
“It is only when we relinquish the need to control others that we set ourselves free..”
Think about all the disappointment in your life around relationships and unmet expectations. Really think about it. Chances are you have spent sleepless nights over chores you wish your husband were doing without being asked, conversations you wish your boss was having with you, information you wish your co-workers were sharing, grades you wish your children were receiving, and so on.
Now imagine a future where you allowed others to think, feel and behave according to their will and all you focused on was your response to those circumstances. That is a beautiful place my lovelies. Here in this place you decide whether you want to feel happy, sad, disappointed, worried, angry or otherwise. The only price you pay to get here is giving up the desire to control other adults.
Every feeling you experience is the result of a choice that you make. Spoiler alert – nobody can make you feel anything. Nothing they do can cause your feelings. You cause them by way of your thoughts, and your thoughts are all optional. If you are not choosing better, let me help you. I can share from my own experiences, and testimonies from countless clients, that when you let go of who you want people to be and stop attaching unnecessary meaning to what others say and do, the world calms down enough for you to approach things from a place curiosity and compassion instead of control. It is from this place that you are both free to co-create the future of your relationship together.
