Most of us want to feel more confident.  I hear it all the time.  

• “I just don’t feel confident enough to go for the promotion”

• “If I were more confident, I would get into the dating game”

• “I don’t have the confidence to start my own business”

Phooey!  What we don’t have is the courage, or willingness, to be uncomfortable long enough to establish some competence, so that confidence will develop.  Period.

We think that if we were more confident, we would have the courage to take action toward our goals. The truth is, confidence is a byproduct of courage.

I am an introvert.  I don’t like attention.  Couple that with fear of public speaking and you get one hot mess when asked to speak in front of a group.  Like many people, I vividly remember the first time I had to speak publicly (in front of a class).  I was a mess. I would have done anything to get out of it.  The only thing I feared more than speaking publicly was getting a bad grade, do I did it begrudgingly.  I was afraid of other peoples’ opinions about my performance and utterly frozen with fear of making a mistake or forgetting my content and the embarrassment that would surely ensue.  None of those things would actually hurt me, but it didn’t matter.  The thought of failure and embarrassment was crippling. The same cycle repeated early in my career when my job required me to present in front of large groups of people. Rinse and repeat.  Same hot mess.  It wasn’t until I stopped resisting the fear and allowed the range of emotion that would come up as I pushed through event after event becoming increasing competent in that space.  Fast forward to today and guess who makes a living speaking publicly?  Yep, me!  

While I’ve never developed a “liking” of public speaking, I have established a certain amount of confidence in my ability that helps me do these things even though they still scare me. I am still an introvert.  I still don’t like attention.  But I love my job and I can do scary things.

The only reason we need courage is because we feel fear.  The thing is, most fear is not a result of any physical threat.  Our brain doesn’t know the difference between a physical or psychological threat, so it behaves the same.  It protects us.  It keeps us safe by encouraging us to avoid or combat anything that presents a threat.

There are some surprisingly ordinary things that require courage.  For example, taking action on our goals can be scary because it often requires that we do new things so we either procrastinate or self-sabbotage for fear of failing, or even succeeding.  Another example is setting goals.  Many people don’t set goals for fear of what it will mean if they don’t succeed.  It seems more comfortable to settle for less, than it is to fall short of a lofty goal. This is just nonsense.  Falling short of greatness is still more profound than standing still.  And let’s not forget the added benefit of who you become along the way of shooting for the moon.

The things we are most often afraid of are nothing more than an emotion, such as rejection, exclusion, embarrassment, failure, and the like.  Emotions don’t actually hurt.  Yet we exhaust ourselves avoiding the experience of them.

The way we get stronger here is by relaxing into the fear (when it is not an indication of impending physical harm).  Allow it instead of resisting, avoiding or acting it out.  When we do this, we overcome the need to compensate with other things that we think will make us feel good.

The price we must pay to increase our confidence is getting out of our comfort zone and pushing through when things are hard.  When we feel failure or rejection and don’t give in to the desire to give up, we gain some authority over our fear and start building some competency.  After this happens, we have new evidence to call upon when we are looking for proof that we are capable.  Feeling capable of success or achievement is what creates the feeling of confidence.  When we get here, we do things even though they scare us.

Fear is a normal and natural part of being human.  Don’t wish it away.  Be grateful that your protective mechanisms are in good working order, then decide on purpose to allow fear as part of your experience and don’t let it hold you back. Use your courage to move through it. It is worth it.  You are worth it.

Do things even though you are scared and start building unstoppable confidence so you can do extraordinary things in your life.