Other people’s opinions are only as powerful as you allow them to be.

Here’s a scene we can all relate to: you’re sitting in a meeting with colleagues or friends when someone makes a critical comment. This person doesn’t mention anyone by name, but suddenly you think they are talking about you. It was your work they didn’t like, your house that wasn’t clean enough, or your new hair cut they hate. Your mind spirals. 

The key word is you ‘think’ they are talking about you, and you also ‘think’ their opinions matter. You might even ‘think’ you can control how other people think about you and set out to do so. We want so desperately to be liked and be seen favorably by others.  We ‘think’ this is the key to our own happiness.  We try so hard to people please, but here’s the catch to all that stress: it doesn’t work. Other people’s opinions are caused by their thoughts. Not you.

The only thoughts you can control are your own. You can’t control what people think about you no matter how hard you try. 

Some people love white chocolate. Absolutely love it.  I hate it. You can try over and over again to convince me that it is a great dessert and deserves to be in every candy bar, but I will not be changed. I simply do not like it.

If it’s impossible to change someone’s mind about a dessert, it’s even less likely you’ll be able to change their opinion of you. The reason: it has nothing to do with you.

Now imagine what you could do if you changed your mindset and embraced this reality. If you didn’t worry about anyone else, who would you be? What would you create? What would you do? So many of us hold back our true selves in fear of the judgement of others.

But people are already judging. Would you rather them judge you or a watered-down version of you. We don’t give people the chance to get to know our authentic selves. The more we show up authentically in our life, the more likely we will narrow our fan base.  The challenge accepting this eventual reality as reasonable or positive.  Continuously putting on an act or wearing a mask prevents you from showcasing yourself and that hinders your ability to attract your true tribe.

I received some feedback recently that suggested I try to be more universally appealing to my audience.  It was suggested that I might be too intense or too direct.  I reflected and took this into consideration.  While the advice was well intended, I concluded that this is exactly what I wanted.  For me to do my best work, I need to align with the people who will appreciate the real me.  That will surely mean that those who are “not my people” will be able to determine that and make a choice.  I am fully okay with not being everyone’s choice. 

Everyone who likes me, I know they like the real me. For those that don’t like me, that’s fine. I’m not their cup of tea, and I can’t change that. I know there will be people who will judge my outfit, my style, my beliefs. I choose to let it go. 

It is crucial to recognize that other people’s opinions are not right or wrong…they just are. You can’t change them, but by accepting that you can’t control them, you gain freedom. Here is one of my quick confidence hacks to keep you on track after someone shares an opinion: 

Ask yourself, “is this opinion helpful?”

• If no, just say “thank you” and dismiss it (seriously, let it go!)
• If yes, say “tell me more” and maintain a state of curiosity until you have sufficient information, then say “thank you”.  Resist the temptation to defend yourself or change this person’s opinion.  They are allowed to have any opinion they want, even if it is ill-informed.  And, further, they are allowed to share that opinion.

When you water yourself down to appease others, you become less appealing to yourself.  The opinion that matters most is your own. Have the courage to be proud of the person you are putting forward, knowing that it is from that place that you will find peace and attract people into your life that will have genuine appreciation for the real you.

We render ourselves powerless when our focus is on changing the other person.  Keep the focus on you and maintain authority in your life.  This allows you to blossom into a more confident and authentic version of yourself. You control how you show up to your life, career, and relationships. You get to follow those big dreams without using the opinion of others as a reason to stifle it.