Raise your hand if you’ve ever missed an opportunity to connect with another person because you’ve judged them (or yourself).  

When you are faced with a circumstance that goes against your belief system or value system and you’re triggered into a fit of emotion in what feels like a nanosecond,  you can almost watch yourself react as though you’re not in control of yourself anymore. When it passes, and you see the truth of situation, you feel a bit of shame at not having a more controlled response to the situation.  If that’s not enough, you are probably making all kinds of excuses about why you behaved the way you did.  Never mind the fact that you are still making it all about you.

If this is you, I have good news.  

There is an antidote for this response.  

I like to call it compassionate curiosity.

When we judge and label things or people, it can be no other way.  It is finite.  It halts any sense of curiosity and encourages us to make decisions based on the what we think we “know” at that moment.  This is a tragedy.  Most times, we have no real sense of urgency to decide and respond, it is our choice.

You might be wondering what makes curiosity compassionate.  I’m so glad you asked.  It simply means that we come from a place of love and acceptance.  Our motivation for curiosity is rooted in genuine desire to understand or appreciate others, especially when they are different from us. We put aside any selfish motivation for our inquiry.

The litmus test is checking in with yourself after you’ve been curious to see if there is any urge to change the other person or if there is any lingering hope for them to be different than they are.  If you feel these things, you are not truly compassionate and your curiosity could be seen as manipulative or disingenuous.  

What would be different if you practiced compassionate curiosity in place of judgment?  With yourself?  With others?  Would you be willing to try it and be open to how it could change your life?

Sure, but how?  You might be thinking that there is a complex process for doing this, but it’s really quite simple.

The first step is knowing that you choose your thoughts.  Any belief that thoughts “happen” to you is just false.  Own up to your thinking.  Take responsibility, without judgment of course.

The second step is knowing and labeling your triggers.  What circumstances influence you to behave this way.  What are your default thoughts about those circumstances?  What have you already decided they mean?  

Next, start paying attention to what you “generally” do when you are triggered.  Make some notes.  Do this over time so that you can spot patterns in your behavior. Nothing outside of you causes your behavior.  Your behavior comes from your feelings, which are caused by your thinking.  

Then find the facts in the story (story = a collection of thoughts).   The story you create around your experience is likely enmeshed with a few actual facts.  Pull them forward.  What’s left? Probably a serious of assumptions, interpretations and beliefs.  

And, finally, get curious about “what is”, not what “you’ve manufactured about what is”.  What don’t you know?  What else could be true?

That’s it.

Start with simple things. When you notice yourself judging, step back and just say “huh, that’s interesting”.  See if you can generate some desire to understand the things you judge. This will lead to curiosity. Throw in some love and practice it like it’s your job.

When you’ve developed some proficiency there, challenge yourself to move toward appreciating and accepting (and be mindful that acceptance is not agreement).  Your life will be forever changed my friends.