Necessary, yet so mis-understood and mis-used as a general rule!

Boundaries are far more simple than most of us make them to be.

A boundary is nothing more than a decision you make for yourself about what you will do if a certain behavior happens around you that you don’t want to be around.  This is required when someone else’s behavior is unacceptable for you, even with a managed mind.

Boundaries help us make it clear what we will stand for in our lives.  We use them when we have figured out what is acceptable for us and what is not.  Often they are are tied to our values and enforced when a value is being violated.

Boundaries have nothing to do with how “bad” a behavior is.  “Bad” is subjective and is not the criteria to use when deciding to make a boundary.  If you thinkthe behavior is bad (your judgment of it), you will likely want to change or control this person and the boundary will be created in that spirit.  In which case it would not be a boundary, but more of a rule about how you want someone else to behave.

What they are:

The action you will take when you determine there is a behavior you don’t want to be around.  

What they aren’t:

A boundary is never to change someone else’s behavior.

Prerequisites:

It is imperative (IMHO) to coach yourself prior to deciding to set any boundaries. And, honestly, you’re not really ready unless 2 things are true:

1. You are coming from a place of love or acceptance for yourself and the other person and you are not believing that they are not allowed to do what they are doing and they need to stop.  It has to come from love, not hate.  It does not come from rejection from another person or their behavior.  It is a commitment to yourself about what you are willing to be around and experience, or not.   If we label or judge someone’s behavior as wrong or bad or believe that they shouldn’t be doing it, you will be emotionally resistant to it.  When we emotionally resist to things, we want them to change.  When we create boundaries that resist another’s behavior we are focused on changing other people rather than being mentally and emotionally focused on caring for ourselves and taking action for ourselves.  When we resist or reject another’s behavior, we make it about them in our brain and takes us to a place where we are not owning that we control what we think, feel and do.  
2. You are 100% ready to enforce the boundary.  I don’t recommend setting a boundary hoping it will change the other person’s behavior (so you don’t have to enforce the boundary).  If you aren’t ready to keep the boundary, it will cause you to break integrity with yourself and that creates emotional drama for you.

How to set one:

• Coach yourself until you are clear.
  • You are coming from a place of love for yourself; and also, a place of love, or at least acceptance, for others.  Acceptance is not agreement.
  • You know and accept that other people will probably not change their behavior and you are OK with that.
  • You know and acknowledge that other adults can do and act any way they want.
  • You know and accept that the boundary is for you, not against them.
• Decide exactly what the boundary is.  What is the triggering event and what will you do?
  • For example:  If you don’t like to be around cigarette smoke and you are in a situation where somebody lights up, you will just excuse yourself and resist the urge to judge that person or suggest they stop.
    
• Commit to keep the boundary.  Period. If you are not ready to keep the boundary it will create a lot of conflict for you.  You’ll know this is happening because you feel the desire to fight with the person about changing their behavior in that moment so you don’t have to enforce your boundary.  Or perhaps you’ll want to fight about it later so it doesn’t happen again.  When you do this, you are using boundaries to punish or manipulate another person and that never works.  Behavior change that is born from force is not sustainable which means you are just kicking the can down the road.  
  

There will be times when you “think” you are ready, but you’re not. Learn from it.  Grow from it.  Adjust. Reset.  You’ll know you’re ready if you feel a sense of peace about honoring the boundary when it is time.  

A few other suggested rules of thumb:

• A important thing to know is that we don’t generally apply boundaries to children. This is an adult thing.
• It’s not necessary to tell people about your boundary.  If you decide to share it, be sure to follow through if the expectation is not met.  And don’t assume that people naturally know that your boundary exists and get frustrated when it’s violated.
• Never explain a boundary as a “threat”.  Remember, its not about them.
• Boundaries don’t make you a better person.
• The better you become with managing your mind, the less need you will have for a lot of boundaries.

Good luck with boundaries.  When used as intended, they help us stay in integrity and protect us from unnecessarily damaging relationships in the process.  They are a great tool to help us build stronger, healthier, and more honest relationships in our life.